As I age, I notice a decrease in my enthusiasm for celebrating my birthday. I often feel nostalgic, reminiscing about a time when birthdays used to be the most thrilling occasions. I frequently imagine my 6-year-old self, eagerly anticipating my birthday for weeks, looking forward to receiving small, adorable gifts and cake (a rarity in the 90s). The happiness it used to bring.
Turning 18, 21, and 30 proved to be particularly difficult for me, as each milestone was marred by a traumatic personal experience involving one or both of my parents. These events led to the cancellation or disruption of the celebrations, making them far from joyous occasions. Consequently, I steered clear of 21st birthday festivities and other significant celebrations for years, as they only served as a painful reminder of my lack of parental support.
As I grew older, I found myself feeling anxious as each birthday approached. My aim was to steer clear of anything that would trigger past traumas. However, despite my efforts to avoid them, I would unconsciously start to panic, leading me to overcompensate by organizing dinners with friends and making a big fuss about it every year. This would inevitably result in me being drunk and hungover the following day, with a sense of unease about why I couldn't truly enjoy celebrating my birthday.
It required a significant amount of time, including therapy sessions, to truly uncover and comprehend the reasons behind my tendency to avoid facing myself and the passage of time. Instead of fixating on the tasks left unfinished on my to-do list, I made a conscious decision to rediscover happiness in the little moments of my daily life throughout the year. Recognizing the importance of finding purpose in everyday experiences, I understood that this shift in perspective would eventually guide me back to self-awareness and help me acknowledge that I am more than just the accumulation of my past traumas.
For me, celebrating means pausing to reconnect with myself, embracing my complete identity.
If you ever find yourself lacking joy on your birthday, pause and reflect on the positive aspects you bring into your life. We tend to dwell on what we haven't achieved, what we lack, or what is yet to come, forgetting the happiness of the present moments, no matter how small.
Take note of these moments, celebrating both yourself and them every year.
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